I just saw a hot homeless man
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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