wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
