my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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