I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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