whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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