i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize