I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
