I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
