god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
