i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
