guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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