Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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