I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
