non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
