on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize