Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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