Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
