I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There's always time for handjobs
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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