I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
