No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
