I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
