I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
