I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
