Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
