what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
