I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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