I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
