I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
