I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
