i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
