dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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