I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
