when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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