I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
