can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
A+ Viking dick
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
