He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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