I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
