the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
