I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
