Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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