Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize