i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I touched a dick in church today
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
