I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
