Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
