You surviving the open bar?
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I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So much rum. So many feels.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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