I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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