so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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