She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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