Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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