I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
