The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
