I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
