matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
