i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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