Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
