Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have tasted many bathrooms
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
