also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We left the knife in your bed.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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