Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
