I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
