i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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