i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
