At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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